NOT REALLY SURE OF THE TITLE

So you say i have choices, 
Since you have put an effort to think, 
I make it easy for you,
I choose to leave you, 
Leave and hopefully never return

Glad you are, this sure makes you excite, 
My love smothered and made you helpless right? 
Oh yes, you can breathe now 
Your prayers have been given, Take a sigh of relief even 

The doors of your flirting school reopens again, 
Go take a bow 
You are going to put one hell of a show, 
I can feel it now..

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Perks and Curse and Endurance [something fictional] PART I

PERKS AND CURSE AND ENDURANCE

Patient No.09, “Ravi Pradhan”?  A voice I hear.
“Yes, that would be me” I reply.
“This way please”, she guides me to the doctor’s room.

The doctor is occupied with a file, pretty plausible; he sees me and greets me with a faint smile. I can sense something ominous.
“Am I dying” i ask with a smirk on his face.
“What”? The doctor responds, he is startled by how direct I am.
“You could tell me if I was, I guess I have lived enough for this life time”. I say.
“I need to talk to your parents Ravi”, he answers.
He has changed his tone of speech and I can feel there is a bad news on my way.
“Oh come on, spare them from the bad news, Baba(dad) is out of town and Aama(mom) is 56 for heaven’s sake, don’t give her a stroke, let her live”. I try to add some humor.
“This is a serious issue son” he says with concern.
“Yes, that is why I want you to tell me, I will let aama know myself. I shall be the bearer of the news, which is bad I am feeling.” I tell him.
“So, adamant you are son, I believe you can cope with the news I am about to tell you”, he tries reassuring me.
“Yes, try me”, I try to appear strong.
“There is a virus seen in your report and you are infected. LONG PAUSE .You are infected with HIV Ravi”.

And then I knew I was dying for real.
“So the medications won’t work? Are your degrees all worthless? You are supposed to be saving lives right, you already lost hope”? I mutter.
I was fumbling with words. I was too astounded for a reaction and those words came involuntarily.

“No, no. It’s just the virus Ravi. You can live as much as you want, I will help you all along. With proper medications and a healthy living plan, life will be all yours to live. See how Michael Jordan is doing it. The choice is yours son”, he tries hard to generate hope.
And the technicalities of my survival went on and on and on.

I could only think of how I was infected. How could Smarika go sleeping around? We were not together but I was loyal atleast. These thoughts were so perturbing; I could hardly grapple myself with it. Well, it could not go any further; noises seemed to be heard pretty evidently;

I was so lost in thoughts, I had forgotten about my whereabouts.

The rattling of papers by the fresher’s, voices that wanted to sound American-ish, persuasion that always failed and targets that were yet to be achieved. This department in the entire office was forever chaotic with individuals always energized and sleepy- eyed simultaneously.

Away from the hullaballoo, at one corner was a cubicle popularly known as the feedback cum humiliation box.

“Ravi, is everything allright with you mate”? The team leader asks

Yes, why do you ask? I respond

Why do I ask? Oh so you don’t have the slightest of idea as to why I have called you… he continues
 Listen with your ears wide open because this is the last you would be hearing from me. You have not been meeting your targets since the last 3 months and this month seems to be no exception. I have to give your performance report to the higher commands and I am totally done covering up for you. You better update your resume and look for options that are best for you. The company has decided to terminate you.

I can barely hear him. I just sit there, on that couch, pretentious, being on the safer side and nodding my head. He has to repeat the last sentence three times to wake me up from my cataleptic state.

“That’s, allright” is all I say and I walk away without a hint of shame. Two mere words and I am a goner. No farewells, no adieus, no dramas.

I am walking my way home trying to assemble all of what has happened the past hour.

Inconsequential my thoughts are, purposeless are my endeavor when out of the blue a stranger asks who I am talking to.
Bemused as to who he is talking to, I look beside me and then behind me and then curtly replied, “Who do you think I am talking to”?
“Nobody”, he instantly answers.
“So you have the answer now, happy”? I retort.
“Lunatic”, he fires back.
“Is that your father’s middle name”? I hastily answer back.

He gives a closure to the conversation with a clenched fist that hits my face so hard, my spectacles break and my ass kisses the ground. I try standing up but goes in vain and he runs like there is no tomorrow. A dude helps me get up and I disperse the little crowd that has been gathered.

I finally reach home. I can hear voices that are not familiar, guests, I hate these creatures, always invading our privacy and I hated aama for being this hospitable. I never bothered greeting them, wanted them to know how much I despised their presence.

“Ravi, you home chhoro (son)”? She knows always.
“Yes, aama”
“Go take a shower, Ila aunty is here to see you and we have someone else as well”
I can actually hear my mom chortling when she stresses on that someone else part. I know that had to be Isha, Ila aunt’s niece.
“I had a long tiring day mom, not today”, having said that I crash onto my bed, eyes opened, face covered with sheets and thoughts on how I could have managed hitting that stranger creeps onto me until…

i am not sure if he moved on..

Was I just an experiment or was I just a number that got added.

You were a goner. Gone for what has seemed to be eternity. Each living day is occupied with your thoughts, somewhere around the back of my skull; you have imprinted your name. I still wonder where the vows of living together until death did us apart go.

The agony I never showed, the tears that never rolled down, all in the hope that one fine day you would know how much you meant to me and how your mere presence soothed my soul.

The day we met, the day I cried, the day we kissed, the day we cuddled, the day you lied, the day you questioned my love, the day I was silent, the day you were gone and then days you left me with where I still try and accumulate the shattered parts of my soul and fail each time. A failure I am!

Rumors of you and that someone else I heard. I was drowning into an ocean with my legs tied up unable to come to the surface and left with nothing but suffocation. I cried for help but you were not there to attend me. Cold, dead, purposeless, directionless, lifeless is what I had once been.

Someone truly said, “Time heals the deepest of wounds”. Mine is for sure in the burial process.

Come to think of it, I never thought a normal person would have that slightest of interest in me. May be, that is why you never returned. May be the times we spent and the kisses we shared meant everything to me and nothing to you. May be you wanted me to be that secret in your life which you liked keeping and never bothered revealing. Well, I never asked for more but I guess I needed more, not the sweet talks, not the kiss, not the cuddles but the real you…

 

The way he sees it!

Heard you moved on from whispers on the street. A new notch in your belt is all I’ll ever be.

He has always been good to people unless they really get on his nerves. Always asked elderly people to take his sit when he sees them standing. Listened to a greater extent and spoken only when required. Always prioritized his family over his friends (well, most of the time) and has always taken time knowing things. May be that’s the reason why “arrogant” and “unfriendly” are adjectives that people use to describe him. He says, ‘Trust me; I have no justifications or clarifications to give. Frankly, they are entitled to their opinions. It’s a free world and I too have tons of nasty things to say to the whole world actually but I think I have learnt to control’.  May be that’s why the burning flames faded and the sparks stopped flying, he mutters to himself.

A fake smile and the world perceives you to be “happy go lucky”. You know what, that’s good in a lot of ways. Why let the world know what you are going through? He has always been the “suffer in silence” kind and so far he his sane. Well people around him still place him in that category. Thank goodness for that. Why is fitting in such a big deal? He has never understood and it’s like an unresolved quest, individuality is something that everyone should cherish.

‘Enough preaching, the bottom line is learning to be best at being you. Don’t just settle. Don’t just fit in.
Don’t just follow the crowd. Learn to walk alone. Learn to love yourself’, he adds.

The first sentence in here is definitely what most of us can comprehend. How do you react when you know that the person who you once promised to love for eternity has already promised someone else because things didn’t work out between the two of you? It definitely pricks you somewhere. You keep on telling yourself that you have moved on and you would be happy in whatever that person does and wherever that person is but the irony is some part of you is always left behind. May be you don’t long for that person anymore but yes you will pretty much be surrounded by all the flash backs. Natural again!!

You would be astounded for a second, but at the end the feeling you have is happiness. Weird, happened in his case. You need to know there is always no “happy ever after”.

‘Clichés eh, love ‘em, if it is to happen it will. You don’t make an effort to love someone or make someone to fall for you’, he continues. He may not have fallen that hard yet, to talk about love and still make sense. Feelings are meant to flow and learning to control it takes a lot a hard work. At the end, at least someone has to be happy. You be the bigger person and see how you feel. Its takes a whole lifetime to know a person and sometimes just a glance is enough. You never know what life has in stores for you.

You just have a freaking one life, don’t just loathe it.

BLESSEDBEYOU